Okay, tonight I'm here to warn you about the oncoming war that the Duracell corporation is about to wage on it's unwitting public. I come to warn you because I was nearly the first casualty of this war.

My friend Corvus and I were sitting in the local chinese restaurant the other day, having our normal off the wall conversation. I think we were talking about how the world would be a better place if we knocked off the Easter bunny, I'm not sure about that though. Anyway, as the conversation carried further on, I began to notice a slight heat coming from my right pocket. Checking my left pocket, where I usually kept my lighter, I realized it was where I'd left it so I remained confused about where the heat was. It wasn't too bad so I left it alone and went on with my meal.

As the meal went on, the heat got a little warmer as it radiated from my right pocket. By now I'm getting curious about what could cause that kind of heat in my pants. I know what that just sounded like, but you know what I mean...perverts. Back to the story. With my curiosity going schitzo by now, I shoved my hand down in my pocket to see where the heat was coming from. Brilliant idea, huh? Common sense would tell you that if something was hot don't put your hand on it, but did I think of that? Hell no! So I put my hand down in my pocket and start tossing everything on the chair next to me. Keys, spare change, and a couple of AA batteries. The batteries actually deserve some explanation.

I've got the habit of going absolutely everywhere with my CD player. CD players need batteries, right? So I stuffed a couple of batteries in my pocket for the upcoming day. Makes sense, right? I thought so too. Back to the story.

The batteries were the warmest thing in my pocket so I had Corvus feel them. He noted the same thing that I did, that they were about to explode! I grabbed a napkin, grabbed the batteries, and was on my way to find a trashcan. As far as we can tell the batteries started a circuit between my keys and the spare change in my pocket, go figure. When I got back we went through the comically morbid scenarios of the batteries exploding in my pocket. Things like being launched across the restaurant with only one leg, after which I'd have my picture taken holding my disattached leg, and things like that. It was hilarious and made for great dinner conversation. It turned out to be for the best, even if the copper-top is trying to amputate me.

So I write this article to let you know that Duracell is after my leg, and they may be after yours too. So be careful and keep away from all AA batteries, especially if they're in your pocket. Heed my warning, or the batteries will come for you too.